


wherever you're going I'm going the same

by deang1rl (pinkworm)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Dean Winchester Confesses Feelings for Castiel, Dean Winchester in Heaven, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29048325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkworm/pseuds/deang1rl
Summary: "But what was I supposed to do? You were my best friend. I thought that was as best as it was going to get."Dean is in heaven, and he finally says everything he's been holding in, and his prayers are answered.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	wherever you're going I'm going the same

**Author's Note:**

> hello, someone requested this on tumblr. if you're reading this, i hope you like it. the title is from frank ocean's moon river (i recommend you listen to the song after reading this, because why not?)(but like, do whatever you want, close the tab without reading this either)

So this was Heaven. Dean looked at the wide expanse of green in front of him, nothing less than a sea from where he was standing on the cliff. He was walking a lot these days. Sure, driving Baby around with nothing to look out for was fun. Listening to songs with the windows rolled down was fun too. But after a while, all of it seemed pointless. The music turned to white noise which clung to his skin, the road turned into an endless way to nowhere. He looked around and saw how happy everyone was. All of them seemed to be having the time of their lives here. He stood there, wondering.  _ What went wrong with him? _

As soon as he had started to think that, his mind was filled with images. 

A beige trench coat, a hand on his arm, a face. A face full of tears and contentment. Dean took a sharp breath and felt gravels in his throat. He tried to choke back the tears, but couldn’t. 

This is what he was driving away from, walking away from. But you cannot run from the truth. Not for long. No matter where he turned, what place he went to, he would keep running into thoughts of Castiel. It was understandable too; wasn’t this heaven designed by Cas? It only went on to show how much he thought about Dean and how time after time he had put his needs above his own. Over and over again. Never once did he show what he wanted for himself, never once did he falter. How was Dean supposed to know? But it was his fault too.  _ He should have asked.  _ Asked what? _ How about, hey Cas, do you love someone?  _ Yeah, only if it were that easy. Dean rolled his eyes at his inner voice. 

He wondered what Sammy would have advised him if he had asked him about it. He thought about what would have happened if he had spoken about it first, if he had listened to the chant of his heart to which he had grown familiar over time. What would he have said? Would it have made any difference?  _ It would have made all the difference.  _ He sniffled, not ready to live with this truth. It hurt. God it hurt so bad. 

He looked around, at the nothingness that stretched beyond everything. He felt that the emptiness was a dagger which had been stuck inside him over and over again and now he was a hollowed out person.

He had never been this alone in his life, or after. He didn’t know what to do apart from what he had learnt to do the best. He got on his knees and looked at the sky. 

“I should have said something you know,” he began. “I am not sure you’re listening to me now or not. I’d like to think you are, makes me feel less lonely. Makes it easier. That’s a lie. It’s not easy Cas. I am so alone. I cannot sleep or eat or drink anymore. All I can think of is how I should have said something.”

He paused. It seemed like the wind had stopped to listen. Everything was eerily quiet, like everything had bated breath, waiting for Dean to spill open. 

“But what was I supposed to do? You were my best friend. I thought that was as best as it was going to get. You were my first best friend, my only actually. And I did not want to lose you. I was ready,” he looked at his hands, slumping further in the ground. “I was ready for us to stay that way as long as I had you near me.”

He wiped the tears which were now streaming down his face. He hadn’t mourned Cas until now. He had pushed it all further in him where he had hoped it would all turn to stone. Only it rose up, like wood in water, like fire embers. Now he did not know what to do with his hands, with all these words. He wanted Cas in front of him, he wanted to hold him. He wanted to touch his face, over and over, saying all these things to his face. 

“You see, want has always been a dangerous thing for me. When I was young, I wanted my man to take me to a basketball game, I wanted him to cook for my brother and I…. I wanted him to talk to me about things other than murder. But, I didn’t get any of that. I spent my nights eating cereal, without milk mostly. I spent game days cleaning the house free of beer bottles, in case Sammy got hurt. I never got to look him in the eye and tell him how I had lost a mother too and how I wanted to be beyond all of it. So I decided, wanting things was not for me, I would never get it. But god knows how badly I wanted you. All my private moments with you were spent with me trying to remember as much as I could of you, so that if I did end up in hell again, I would have a face to dream of. I wanted you near me, skin next to my skin, so badly it made me hurt in places I thought didn’t exist in me.” 

He never thought he would have said it all out loud like this. He could feel a stunned silence enveloping him and everything. He wondered whether anyone was listening. 

He laughed, a short, bitter laugh. “You are not here Cas! Didn’t you say you were supposed to watch over me, get me what I wanted? I want you. I want you Cas, you in your stupid trench coat and your stupid tie and,” he sighed. “Why did you keep bringing me back only to leave me alone in the end? I want us to be together. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.”

He was up on his feet now, looking around. He started to shout it out now. But the wind was still, and the words fell down right at his feet. “Cas! I love you! Take everything away from me right now if that will make you come to me…..Please,” he said, tired. He wiped his tears on the back of his face and stood silently. 

“I thought they were lying.” He heard a familiar voice. He whipped his head back. There he was, all of him, staring back at Dean. 

“Cas,” he said softly, walking towards him. Cas too, made his way over to him, and they met halfway. 

“How? I mean,” Dean asked, his words stumbling out of him. 

“I was told if my love was returned, I would be given my form back. To complete the story you know. The Big Guy loves symmetry in his creations and stories,” he said, already teary eyed.

“Did you sacrifice yourself thinking I did not feel the same about you?” Dean asked, his hands already on Cas’s arms. 

“I just, I didn’t know it could be returned. I was new at it all. All I could see when I saw you was my love for you. I never considered the possibility that you’d look at me the way I looked at you.”

“Oh, Cas,” Dean smiled, his words breezy. “If only you could _ see  _ how I look at you.”

“I can see it now,” Cas said, looking at Dean, his eyes glassy. He held Dean’s forearms with his hands, and they stood like that, holding onto each other.

“I wish I had let you know all of it before all that happened,” Dean said. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Cas said. He raised his right hand to touch Dean’s cheek. “I have never felt what I am feeling right now Dean, not even when I confessed.”

“What are you feeling?”

“Like there’s a sun beginning to take birth in me, like you and I are a list of endless possibilities.”

Dean nodded. He could feel his own heart opening up, the stone casket that had set over it breaking. 

“When you pulled me out of Hell, you changed me. You touched me and left a reminder that I too could be touched with love, even if it burned. I don’t care if it burns if it’s you,” he said. 

They looked at each other, acutely aware of each other’s bodies, the first time they were able to do that in the open. 

“You have made me happy Dean.”

“I have failed you, I should have spoken long ago,” Dean said, his older self returning. 

Cas shook his head and pulled Dean into a hug. “No. Never say that. You brought me back to life. You brought me back to the best version my life could have.”

Dean nodded, hugging him back. 

“I feel like I’m capable of anything when you’re next to me,” Dean said. They broke apart and he led Cas to the edge of the cliff. 

“Want to know how I used to feel like when you were around me?” he asked, and Cas looked at him in anticipation.

Dean pulled him closer and jumped down the cliff. 

They ended next to each other, unhurt. “I know it’s heaven and all, but it’s all your doing,” Dean said, referring to his unscathed form. Cas laughed. 

“I love you,” Dean said, looking at him, his voice soft. 

“I love you too,” Cas said. He was about to say something else when Dean pulled him on top of him, pressing his lips to his. 

Yeah, it was heaven alright. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it. comments and kudos are welcome  
> stay tender, stay warm. love you <3


End file.
